


Dynamic Shift

by SomeoneOnThisWorld



Series: In a Heartbeat [2]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Pining, Secrets, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24344203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeoneOnThisWorld/pseuds/SomeoneOnThisWorld
Summary: In an effort to save Guillermo's life, Nandor tries to keep the vampire-slaying side of him away from his roommates. His roommates, however, completely misinterpret the reason behind Nandor's attempts to not let anyone be in the same room as Guillermo.(This fic probably takes place somewhere between 2x09 and 2x10 with the slight canon divergence where Nandor finds out everything about Guillermo's vampire-hunting after Guillermo killed Carol)
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Series: In a Heartbeat [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789039
Comments: 82
Kudos: 349





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Directly inspired by @destroyedparadise234 's Tumblr post about how Nandor is going to be so awkwardly hiding Guillermo's secret about being a vampire slayer that Nadja, Laszlo, and Colin Robinson think they're secretly dating. (link: https://destroyedparadise234.tumblr.com/post/618700883104006144/im-highkey-yearning-for-the-scenario-where-nandor)
> 
> This first chapter is just mostly Nandor's character study though, I got a little carried away when I started thinking about his feelings xP it's also an unedited mess because I didn't have the time or care to read through it again lol, so I'll probably revisit it and edit some stuff later

Nandor didn't know exactly when it had happened, but some time over the years his and Guillermo's had developed into something few could coherently describe as strictly professional.

And yes, he was aware of the very thin line between an appropriate relationship between a vampire and his familiar, between friends, and between something not yet defined. He wasn't a complete idiot, contrary to popular opinion, and even if he was, even an idiot would be capable of seeing they'd been jumping that strange line like a jump rope for several years now. It was in the way Guillermo smiled up at him just a tad too adoringly, and (not that Nandor the Relentless had it in him to admit it) Nandor found himself seeking out Guillermo's company more often than not. He also began to rather enjoy the more sensual aspects of Guillermo's humanity (not that he had it in him to admit that, either): the flush of his cheeks, the warmth of his body that felt like comfort whenever Gullermo accidentally brushed against Nandor, the steady heartbeat inside his chest and the slight moments of unsteadiness of it that reminded Nandor of the complexity that is humanity.

It was downright delicious, that heartbeat. How it sped up, how it skipped a beat every once in a while, even though it had been adding a bitter aftertaste to the fondness for the past couple of years. He'd been so certain for so long that Guillermo was simply fearful of his presence, nervous and petrified for his life. Now, though, just the thought of it made him smile. He'd figured it out, completely by himself and with no other clues whatsoever, that the racing heart that sometimes stumbled over doing its own job had not been doing that out of fear. It had occurred to him that while his presence and proximity did affect Guillermo's emotions, it had nothing to do with dread.

No, Guillermo had grown just as fond of Nandor as Nandor had grown fond of him. Those lovely, unsteady beats of his heartbeat were just another sign of how literally humans presented their emotions in the most obvious ways. When Nandor's cold hand touched his, Guillermo responded with exactly one skipped heartbeat, because of desire rather than terror. He was not afraid of him. He hadn't been afraid of him in a very long time.

Which was a thought that, very ironically, terrified Nandor instead.

"I am not opposed to what Nadja and Laszlo have," he'd once told the documentary filming crew on the topic of mates, "but I really never wanted it for myself. I had 37 wives when I was alive, so I'm not exactly the type to settle down with one person. That is why I am perfectly fine on my own."

He'd stood by it at the time, and he still claimed he did. However, ever since he figured out the completely obvious affection his familiar seemed to feel for him, his opinion on mates swayed ever so slightly. So the past few weeks, he wasn't as opposed to the idea of spending an eternity with someone special. In fact, the idea had started to become somewhat intriguing, if not even desirable. He found himself thinking about it more and more, especially whenever his loyal familiar was directly at his side, seemingly unbothered by the ever collapsing concept of personal space up until the moment when their hands brushed together and Guillermo blushed and took a step away. Heart rate going up in these moments, Nandor found himself almost obsessed with it, fixing up tiny moments of contact just to enjoy Guillermo's thoroughly human reactions to them. He could listen to them forever, revel in this little game of teasing with the knowledge it was all for him.

Then, however, he remembered that there was no possibility of having an eternity of this and grew bitter.

Whatever he'd been feeling – like a lovesick puppy made out of excited little puppies –, it was all directed very specifically to Guillermo's humanity. Should he ever turn him into a vampire, the heartbeat would be gone. As well as his flushed cheeks and the warmth of his body. There was no way to preserving those things forever, as much as Nandor had grown to love them. Sure, he also appreciated other things about Guillermo, the neverending things, like his caring nature, his soft-spoken character, his small smile that seemed to only be reserved for when Nandor was at his most ridiculous, but in the most charming way possible. Maybe he could live with only those things and grow to love the absence of the others.

And at that point in his train of thought he would, without a moment of hesitation, remind himself quite harshly that this was his familiar he was thinking about. Familiars weren't potential mates. Most of the time, familiars weren't even considered friends, let alone respected human beings. Familiars were only there to clean up after a vampire's mess while clinging on the false hope of becoming a vampire someday. They were nothing more and very often, they were even less than that. Other vampires certainly didn't have such thoughts about their familiars. And, even more certainly, other vampires had never decided to actually turn their familiars into vampires, which Nandor had been contemplating for quite some time now. Perhaps the first time the thought came upon him was the first time he realized his affection toward Guillermo had grown stronger than he could have expected. Despite his blood-drinking monstrous urges, he still abided by his man-made honor, and a binding contract was a binding contract.

Except, after the first two years, Guillermo had proven himself to be one of the best familiars a vampire could ever get, and Nandor had decided to string him along for as long as possible. After seven, an unlikely friendship had been struck one night when the two sat in the library and talked about Twilight and other popular vampire fiction for hours. That was when Nandor's problems with keeping his word first began, at the thought that when Guillermo would become a vampire, he would want to leave and explore the world like Nandor simply didn't feel the need for anymore, and Nandor would lose a newfound friend. So the selfishness had won over, and Nandor decided to keep him human for just a few more years, until they would inevitably run out of things to talk about.

After the eleven-year mark, their dynamic started to shift for the worse. Suddenly, Nandor was paying attention to Guillermo's heartbeat and protecting him with his own life and feeling happy at the mere thought of Guillermo having feelings for him. For the first time, he was tempted to selfishly turn him into a vampire and then bind him to himself, just to have him around forever and ever. And he was even more terrified of his cold, unbeating heart actually getting broken for the first time in 750 years if Guillermo would simply take off without as much as a proper goodbye after getting what he wanted. So, Nandor found himself at the most unpleasant crossroads.

And now, there was also the vampire slayer thing.

A very cumbersome new piece of information, indeed, and far too risky to be kept a secret from Nadja and Laszlo. Of course, Nadja and Laszlo would kill Guillermo on the spot if they ever found out, which was definitely not an option for Nandor. No, he had grown to care too much for his dear familiar to let that happen, no matter how dangerous it might be to live in such proximity to someone that had too many opportunities to kill them every night. And day. And dusk and dawn. Nandor felt his blood freeze all over inside his veins at the thought of it. Small, fragile, innocent Guillermo, capable of ending his immortal life. It was too hard to believe it, even after two wooden stakes had come too close to his heart for comfort.

Guillermo at least meant no harm, yet. Days had gone by since the messy incident of him murdering Carol, the friend of Simon the Devious, and he hadn't done anything since then that would make Nandor lose his fate in him. In fact, now that Nandor paid more attention to it, Guillermo even seemed to be using his skills to protect the house from several vampires. Vampire assassins, he called them when Nandor had asked about it, sent after them by the Council after they'd escaped their death penalty. Nandor owed him a dozen lives for his dedication and bravery, which was why he'd been coming back to the question of turning him with even more dread than before. Was it only fair to Guillermo that he turned him into a vampire and gives him eternal life as an award for his protection? Or was it fairer to give him one mortal life that would give him a chance to be true to his heritage? Would he become bitter and grow to hate Nandor if he turned him into a monster he'd literally been born to kill?

Honestly, it was becoming too painful for Nandor to even think about these things, so he tried to keep this endless internal debate out of mind. He had other problems to take care of first, such as keeping Guillermo safe. It was almost laughable that he still felt the need to protect him after Guillermo had proven time and time again that he could take very good care of himself. Still, trying to keep his secret from his roommates was the least Nandor could do in an attempt to return Guillermo's favor until he decided if Guillermo still desired to become a vampire.

Keeping a secret from three very perceptive vampires, however, proved itself to be quite the challenge – although to be perfectly honest, Nandor was panicking more than he should have been. Everything just felt so obvious to him, every move a giveaway and every spoken word a syllable away from the truth. Therefore he decided it would be best if he simply kept his roommates away from Guillermo at all times, which was a neat and inconspicuous way to ensure the secrecy. The goal was fairly simple, the execution though ... well, Nandor had always been known for his lack of discretion. No one would call him Nandor the Subtle, that much was certain. Not after he tackled Laszlo so hard they both went through the window when he'd almost walked in on Guillermo vacuuming, nor after he hissed at Nadja when she tried to ask Guillermo if he could take one of her dresses to the dry cleaner.

The tipping point of his new strange behavior, though, the one that finally forced Nadja, Laszlo, and Colin Robinson to address it, was Nandor's very new, very strange decision to accompany Guillermo on every errand outside the house. It was for protection, of course – if Carol could tell that Guillermo was a vampire killer, then surely other vampires could, too. It was better if Nandor accompanied him to make sure he was safe. He even put on a flawless performance of pretending not to notice the raised eyebrows at his flimsy excuses of "having to make sure Guillermo did everything right" and "needing to stretch his legs a little". 

On the eighteenth night, the house finally snapped.

"Actually, Nandor," Nadja said with suspicious sweetness in her voice when Nandor was already one foot out the door to follow Guillermo to the 24-hour convenience store. "We were hoping to have a house meeting with you tonight."

Pausing at the door, Nandor looked from Nadja and Laszlo smiling innocently to Guillermo who was waiting on the porch. Something seemed terribly off.

"All right," he dragged the words out slowly, stepping back inside. "Guillermo, we can go to the convenient store tomorrow."

"No! No, no," Nadja said, her grin still too big for her head as she held up a hand to keep Guillermo from returning inside the house. "No need. Guillermo can go to the store by himself. It's a vampires only meeting. Only vampires allowed. No one under a hundred years old."

Guillermo shrugged and left with a soft goodbye. Nandor looked after him for a moment, a heavy feeling in his chest. He should be fine by himself, right? He'd probably killed more vampires that Nandor had in his long life. He should be fine.

Slamming the door shut, Nadja brought Nandor back to reality. Her grin was gone and she was quick and snappy with her movements as she gestured Nandor to follow them to the library. She looked positively pissed. Laszlo, beside her, slightly annoyed. Colin Robinson, who'd been waiting for them on the couch in the library ... somewhat joyful. Excited even.

 _Oh, fuck_ , Nandor thought at the sight of his very earnest smile. This was going to be bad.

"So, what is this all about?" he asked, opting for the rude and irritated approach to cover up the ever-rising apprehension. "What's so important for a meeting like this?"

Only he did know what was so important. They figured it out, didn't they? They definitely figured it out. Oh, this was bad. Very, very bad. Maybe it really was a good thing that Guillermo wasn't here for this. Yes, it was better if he was far away from this mess, so they couldn't ambush them both. If only there was a way to signal Guillermo not to come back to the house.

"If I could begin this, well, little affair," Colin Robinson began gleefully, chuckling to himself slightly at his pathetic choice of words. "Nandor, we've noticed you have been acting a little off, lately, and we all-"

"We know what you've been hiding from us, you stupid little shit!" Nadja yelled over him and yes, Nandor was screwed. He should just make a run for it now, before they try to kill him for just not telling them they had been living in the presence of a vampire killer for so long. Maybe he could pick Guillermo up on the way and they could move somewhere up in the mountains and become goat herders? Only, no, he didn't want to become a goat herder. He didn't want that. Did he? No. Of course not. It was just the idea of living in an isolated part of the world with only Guillermo by his side for eternity should he have him, and _oh god, he really didn't have the time to think about that right now–_

"Look, we get it, okay. You and Guillermo are in your honeymoon phase and that can be very passionate and intense," Nadja continued and Nandor's entire brain screeched to a halt. Guillermo and he were in what? "But that’s no excuse for putting Colin Robinson in a headlock for asking Guillermo if he could check the miniature icebox in his closet-room!"

“I honestly just wanted to check if I left my pudding cup in there."

"He just wanted to check if he left his pudding in there!" Nadja furiously repeated after Colin to emphasize her point. "I mean, good grief, what does a man have to do in this house to get his pudding? Not to mention you hauled my dear Laszlo from the second floor twice in the past week just for passing Guillermo in the hall! I knew you were possessive, but it is just affecting our well-being at this point. Also, what do you think you are doing, keeping your relationship a secret from us? How stupid do you think we are?"

Nandor felt like dropping dead right then. Guillermo and him, in a secret sex relationship? What the fuck? He should deny these preposterous allegations right now. He was definitely _not_ having secret passionate sex with his familiar, no matter how appealing that sounded! No, he shouldn't say that out loud. He should just tell the truth, right? It would be much better than to let them believe that he and Guillermo were in an actual relationship. It would also be much better than to gape stupidly at Nadja, who appeared to be expecting an answer to her question. He really should say something. Anything. Change the topic if possible.

"Well, you admittedly aren't the smartest group of vampires I've ever met," he said, and, before he even finished the sentence, Nadja was already flying towards him with an enraged scream. Bracing himself for the tackle, he felt sort of proud for handling this as well as he did. This would surely turn into a who was smarter argument any second now, and Guillermo and Nandor weren't going to be forced to move to the most secluded mountain in the world. That was the plan, anyway. Until Laszlo fucked it up by grabbing onto his wife's ankle and pulling her back to the couch.

"Now, now, there's no need for more physical violence, dear," Laszlo said and patted her shoulder lovingly. "Look, Nandor, we understand. I do, at least. I've beheaded many men to keep my dear Nadja to myself and, between you and me, I don't even mind a couple of friendly tackles. Nevertheless, I am a bit hurt that you didn't want to share the happy news with us."

"I-"

"Yes, yes, we know, vampire-familiar relationships are generally frowned upon, but we've known each other for decades, old friend. We could help you figure this out," Laszlo continued without letting Nandor interject. He stood up and walked over to Nandor and patted him on the back. "You and Gizmo shouldn’t feel the need to hide your love-making, at least not from us."

Well, what could Nandor say to that, honestly? Nothing, absolutely nothing. His brain had stopped working and at least he was man enough to admit it to himself. He should tell them the truth, save himself and Guillermo a little dignity, but his loyalty to Guillermo kept his mouth shut. He tried to come up with other valid excuses for his actions over the past few weeks, but nothing was coming to mind.

And then, an even worse thing happened.

The front door opened.

"Silly me, I walked all the way to the store before realizing I forgot my wallet!" Guillermo called out to them from the entrance, an embarrassed laugh enriching his voice. "I think I left it on the coffee table here ... oh. Are you still having your meeting?"

This, Nandor decided when Guillermo walked in and paused right at the entrance, was what Hell looked like. It was Colin Robinson's enormous grin and shining eyes, Laszlo's stiff attempt at comfort, Nadja's glare that seemed to be somewhere between fury and pity, and Guillermo trying to figure out what he had just walked in on.

"Sorry, Guillermo," Colin Robinson said first. "I'm afraid the cat's out of the bag, as they say. We caught you red-handed."

Guillermo tensed up at that comment. His jaw clenched, his shoulders squared, his hand twitched, ready to pull out the wooden stake from under his jacket if necessary. Nandor noticed every tiny, cautious movement all and, well, he was ever so slightly afraid of him. A shiver ran down his spine at the show of Guillermo's deadly competency and, surely, it was because he was so very afraid of what Guillermo was capable of. There was even heat of terror gathering in his gut, hot and rumbling and ... well, okay. Maybe he liked what he was seeing just a little bit.

Guillermo's eyes circled the room in a sharp focus before finally landing on him and, suddenly, Nandor felt like the red-handed one. Guillermo's eyes softened for a second.

"Did you tell them?" he asked, his voice barely over a whisper. Nandor heard a slightly elevated, but steady heartbeat tapping against his ribcage and, oh, how the precise, cold rhythm broke his heart. "Did you tell them that–"

Nandor would never be sure what exactly prompted him to do what he'd done next. Instinct, perhaps? An impulse to do the right thing? The desire to make Guillermo stop looking at him with such a sad impression? No one could ever be sure. He didn't even remember moving, he just reappeared across the room, and in the span of a second, he was at Guillermo's side and he gripped his familiar tightly at the back of his neck to shut him up.

"I told them nothing, Guillermo!" he loudly announced. "They figured out that we are in a relationship all on their own! What fools we were to think we could hide our love from three amazingly intelligent and perceptive vampires such as our roommates!”

“What, now?”

Widened eyes, gaping mouth – shock, surprise, confusion. Yes, he seemed to be working out what was going on. Nandor felt only a little better for not being the only one to be absolutely dumbfounded by the other vampires' utter lunacy. He felt even better when he moved his hand from Guillermo's neck to his lower back and heard Guillermo's heart jump at the movement.

"The jig is up, Gizmo," Laszlo supplied with a horrifying grin that he must have thought was sympathetic. "And don't worry, your secret is safe with us. No other vampires need to know you and Nandor have been bumping uglies in the night."

The pathetic little whimper that came from Guillermo made Nandor think he might actually faint from what he was hearing

"Honestly, I'm mostly just surprised it took you two lovebirds to finally get together," Colin Robinson chuckled, absolutely delighted at Nandor's glare. "Sexual tension is a lovely treat every once in a while, but the absolute pining that I've been enduring in this household for months? I feel like a child who got sick from eating too many sweets."

Nandor already squared up at these words – because what the fuck was that supposed to mean? He wasn't pining. He didn't pine. How dare Colin Robinson assume that he pined? – but a second whimper alerted him that Guillermo was on the verge of a very confused mental breakdown and Nandor should really start working on their exit strategy.

"Okay," he said therefore, and started back himself and Guillermo out of the library, "I think we've had quite enough of this tonight. Guillermo and I are totally togethet, I take back everything I said about you being stupid, you are all clearly very intelligent. Now I can freely say that Guillermo and I are off to have sex, doesn't that feel good, Guillermo? That we can say we're having sex instead of keeping it a secret? Alright, we are leaving now, goodbye."

He pulled Guillermo along to his upstairs chambers. Out of sight, out of mind, he told himself. So, his roommates thought he and Guillermo were in a romantically sexual relationship. No big deal. It was much easier to deal with that than with them knowing that Guillermo had a very different, much more dangerous secret. Things could definitely be worse.

"What. The _fuck_ was that?"

Oh. Maybe being confronted by Guillermo about all this was actually be the worse thing.

"Don't make a fuss about it, Guillermo," Nandor feigned indifference while not so subtley freaking out himself. "They noticed we were being suspicious about you being ... you know. And they think we're together, or whatever. I think we steered them away from the actual trouble pretty well."

"Pretty well? They think we're having–" Guillermo cut himself off, as if just a little too shy to be saying the words out loud. Continuing in a quiet hiss, he continued, " _They think we're having sex!_ "

"Yes," Nandor agreed. "And isn't this better than them actually knowing you're hiding wooden stakes in your fridge? I think this is better."

That finally made Guillermo calm down a bit. It was better, much better than the alternative. No matter how much tension it brought to their actual relationship.

"So, what do we do now?" Guillermo asked while awkwardly avoiding Nandor's eyes. Nandor should have berated him for it, he always hated people not looking at him when he was talking to them. However, he himself was finding a small crack on his closet's door much more interesting at the moment.

"I say we keep it going for a while," Nandor said finally and, should he have the ability to blush, his face would be crimson at that moment. "There shouldn't be much to it, really. We don't have to change much really. They already thought we were having sex from just me trying to keep them from figuring out what's really going on."

"So, what? We don't do anything?"

"Well, of course we have to do something. We announce that we are going to have sex," Nandor explained, putting the word 'sex' in air quotes, "when we have to be alone to deal with something, maybe be a little more touchy-feely around the others. I personally consider myself an excellent actor, so I don't think it should be too hard to pretend. And it's not like we are actually in love with each other, because _that_ would certainly complicate things."

He laughed at that ridiculous thought and Guillermo chuckled with him, and neither realized how poorly the other was hiding his own nervous tension.

"Right," Guillermo said. "It definitely would."

"Right," Nandor repeated because he had nothing else to add. He looked straight at the absolute anxious wreck of Guillermo, blushing and tense and fidgeting awkwardly with his fingers. He met Nandor's eyes with a soft smile, like he didn't know how exactly to proceed but determined and trusting and beautiful, so very beautiful, and oh.

Maybe becoming a goat farmer would have been easier than what Nandor was about to endure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I kind of tried to add minimal references to the last episode because it was just so good lol xP and I just kind of put all of my headcanons that I adore into it apparently lol, just to barely manage to finish this chapter hahah
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!!

The best quality of every great warrior was his ability to strategize.

Nandor had always considered himself the best at this. As a leader of Al Quolanudar, he would always lead his men into a winning battle, precisely because of his cunning battle strategies. Which was why they'd always emerge victoriously, even if surrounded. Or out-numbered. Or drunk.

The point was, Nandor had always been a great strategist. Even after becoming a vampire leaving his warrior ways behind him, he remained cunning throughout his life. Tracking and disposing of his victims, cheating his way to a fortune and countless mansions over the years, tricking many servants into being a great help and later dinner. He even ran into a couple of younger vampire dummies that had thought themselves special for being former lovers of the Baron and established himself as the leader of their neat little group. By the time they reached Staten Island and came by a house, they had almost died at least twice 

With near-death experiences, therefore, Nandor had no problem thinking on his feet. This new situation, in which he'd found himself, was another thing entirely.

He hadn't slept for the entire day, mulling over his and Guillermo's new false relationship. How should they proceed? Should they hug more? Kiss in front of the others? Nothing felt right. How were they going to explain why Guillermo was still his familiar? Oh goodness, what if the others started asking him when he was going to turn him and make him is mate? What then? How far would they need to take this?

His head was spinning, panic rising steadily within his chest. How far was he willing to take this? Surely, as far as necessary to ensure Guillermo's safety. He had promised Guillermo to make him into a vampire, after all, and the idea of making him his mate was ... surprisingly unrevolting, now that he thought about it. Guillermo was a good companion and he had proven to himself he'd be an absolute mess if he ever left him for over a week. He was ... somewhat handsome, too. Maybe a little more than somewhat, even. Maybe a lot.

By the time dusk came around, Nandor finally decided that yes, he would not be opposed to making Guillermo his immortal mate if such a decision would have to be made. Only ... it might not even come to that, which he really should be reminding himself of. This was all just pretend. Who was to say that Guillermo would even want this? Sure, the small man was infatuated with Nandor now, but what would happen if Nandor actually turned him? Would he leave as soon as his heart ceased to remind him what an effect Nandor had on him?

Speaking of that delicious little heartbeat, it was nearing his room right this second. The thundering sound of it betrayed Guillermo's nervousness, which made Nandor smile instinctively. At least he wasn't the only one panicking about all this.

Fingers tapped against the lid of his coffin silently and Nandor wiped the smile off his face. He couldn't allow himself to carry his emotions all over his face like an idiot. He would die again before letting Guillermo know anything about him brought a smile to Nandor's face.

The lid opened. Guillermo was smiling, as he always was. The smile was strained, though, his jaw clenched together.

"Good evening, master," he said as he helped Nandor exit his coffin. Only tonight, he pulled the hand helping his master away quicker than usual and put an immediate distance between them, shifty eyes never meeting Nandor's. He went straight to the wardrobe and busied himself with looking for Nandor's nightly attire. "What do you want to wear tonight?"

"Is the vest from last Tuesday back from the dry cleaners?" Nandor asked, never taking his eyes off him.

"No, sorry. They called today and said it's going to be another few days before they finish it," Guillermo spoke quickly, pulling out another vest, along with a crisp white shirt. "How about this? And some black trousers?"

"Yes, that will do fine."

Guillermo nodded and draped the clothes over a chair and, before he approached Nandor to help him undress from his sleep attire, he paused, looking for anything, everything else he could do before that.

"Guillermo."

"Y-yes, master?" He finally looked Nandor directly in the eyes, looking like a deer in the headlights.

"Is everything alright?" Nandor asked.

"Yes, of course." The eye contact was broken again. Nandor suppressed a sigh. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"Are you nervous about the lie we told the others?" Nandor asked him and Guillermo finally exhaled, a bashful smile forming on his lips.

"A little," he admitted, brows furrowing worriedly. "I'm sorry. I don't know how I am supposed to act now that ..."

"We are together?" A skip of a beat, followed by a soft gasp. A poor choice of words. They weren't together, obviously. Nandor was the one to look away now, in a way that was dignified and not at all embarrassed. "For pretend. Pretend together, I mean."

"I know what you mean," Guillermo said, smiling awkwardly again. "It's just ... strange."

"I agree," Nandor nodded. "Which is why I have devised a plan that will help us get through it."

"You did?"

"Of course I did," Nandor scoffed. He hadn't really. But Guillermo didn't need to know that. "The idea is to just ... go with the flows."

"Go with the flow?"

"Go with the flows, yes!" Guillermo didn't seem utterly convinced. It was fine, though, because at least Nandor was gaining his confidence in his half-baked plan. "We don't talk about it. We don't even have to act any differently. They already thought we were together when we weren't even trying to be together, right? So we don't do anything. Peasy easy."

Guillermo opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, correct him on something, but a second later he closed his mouth and shook his head, deciding to drop it.

"But what about if they ask anything about it? What then?" he asked instead. "I'm not the best liar in the world."

"Oh, please," Nandor scoffed. "You seemed like a perfect professional when you were killing my kind in secret. Just pretend nothing is going on. Everything is normal. It's not like they're going to ask us to kiss or anything."

"But what if they do?" Well, that was a valid question. Valid enough to make Nandor freeze in place and ponder it for a second. It vexed him to think about how scary the possibility of that was to him.

It wasn't like he hadn't kissed a mortal before. Or a man. Or a person of any gender and species. It just ... hadn't happened in a while. Now that he actually thought about it, he couldn't remember kissing anyone in the past two centuries. Well, then. Time really did fly when one was immortal. He just hadn't felt like kissing people anymore, not even in orgies. It had all become tedious at some point, so he just stopped. It was nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't like he forgot how to do it. That would be stupid. He would truly be stupid to not know how to kiss properly. Because if push came to shove, he would certainly kiss Guillermo in the best way possible. Nandor the Relentless did not kiss badly, his 37 former wives could vouch for that, had they been alive. So, if he had to kiss Guillermo, it would be the best kiss ever.

Acting-wise, of course.

"Then we kiss," Nandor finally answered, just a few seconds too late to sound as nonchalant as he wanted. Guillermo nodded slowly at his decisive words, gulping frighteningly.

"Then we kiss," he muttered to himself as if he was trying to accept it as fact. "Okay. No problem. That's fine."

"Oh, don't fuss about it," Nandor said, straightening his posture proudly to not show any embarrassment. "Get me dressed now. And no more kissy talk. It's not like those perverts are perverted enough to even ask about that."

***

"There they are! They newest Brangelina of our household!" Colin Robinson greeted them gleefully as they entered the living quarters to join the rest. "You know, I kind of want to see you guys kiss."

 _Damn you, Colin Robinson_.

"Mind your business, Colin Robinson," Nandor snapped at him.

"Woah, hey, no need to bite my head off," Colin said, grinning that awful grin of his. "I've never seen a vampire kiss a mortal before, let alone a vampire and his familiar. I'm just curious."

"There is nothing to be curious about," Nandor kept his stance. "You saw people kiss before, yes? It's all the same. Those two are kissing right now!"

"And what the fuck about it?" Laszlo mumbled at him from the sofa, his mouth barely escaping Nadja's hungry lips for a second.

"They kiss all the time, there's no novelty to it anymore," Colin laughed as he waved Nandor's poor attempt at misdirection off with ease. "You two, however, you're the new meat, as they call it."

"What? Who calls it? I am no meat!"

"It's just an expression, Nandor," Guillermo tried to calm Nandor down, putting a hand to his upper arm, which was ... well, it was nice. Sue him if he sort of liked being touched like that. Sue him if he was kind of disappointed when Guillermo took his hand away a moment later, grinning apologetically at Colin. "I'm sorry Colin, I just don't feel very comfortable with the, uh, PDA. Not yet, I guess. This whole thing is still a little new."

"Okay, then. Yeah, no pressure," Colin said, lifting his hands in surrender. "You wouldn't mind answering some questions about your new relationship, then? I have a whole list-"

"Oh, will you just kiss him so we can stop listening to this!" Nadja cut him off, glaring at Nandor from across the room as she finally untangled herself from Laszlo. "Guillermo, stop being a stupid baby about DPA or whatever, this is a safe space. We don't care if you kiss."

"We care if we kiss!" Nandor immediately exploded back. "We are not some performing monkeys that perform! So do you mind if we have our priv-"

The last word got stuck in his throat as suddenly, fingers were pulling on his cravat, and lips were pressed briefly to the corner of his mouth. It was over before Nandor's brain really caught up with what was happening, Guillermo pushing him away with enough force to make him almost lose his footing.

"There you go, was that so hard?" Nadja sighed patronizingly. "Honestly, you men and your fragile egos, always making your lives so difficult with your pride. It's not a crime to show affection, for fuck's sake!"

Guillermo was blushing madly next to Nandor, his cheeks so pink and aglow that Nandor couldn't take his eyes off them. Nadja's ranting was merely an unimportant afterthought at this point. Guillermo had just kissed him. Nandor sadly couldn't account it to one of the best kisses in his lifetime, but he could certainly say, if he were capable of speaking, that it had been one of, if not the only kiss that had shaken him right to his core. It was a very interesting feeling. Addictive, too. He immediately began to wonder how he could make it happen again, before remembering once again, that repeating it would be a colossally bad idea.

"I agree with Nadja on this," Laszlo said. "Just relax, you can flaunt your relationship around as much as you want in this house. Honestly, the two of you are still acting like you've killed a vampire or something."

Cue Nadja's booming laughter, joined quickly by her husband's and even Colin's snickering. Nandor and Guillermo followed their lead with a slow, nervous cackle.

"Oh my gosh, can you imagine it, darling?" Nadja howled, leaning on his husband as she tried to catch her breath. "The two of them, doing something as stupid as that? Little Guillermo with a wooden stake! Ohoho, I can't breathe!"

"That would certainly make them a couple to die for," Colin Robinson tried to chime in with a tedious one-liner that killed the joyful mood immediately. For the first time every, Nandor was slightly thankful for it.

"Okay, this is no longer amusing. Out of my way, Colin Robinson," Nadja announced, shooing Colin out of the room as she fixed to leave. She snapped at Guillermo on her way out. "And you. You're still our familiar, so come and help me redo my hair. Laszlo messed it up and I want to look nice for out hunting date later."

"Actually, I'm just Nandor's ..." Guillermo's counter-argument died on his tongue at the quick glance at Nandor, whose mere existence next to him seemed to make him blush yet again. He looked back at the expectant Nadja and sighed. "Nevermind. I'll help you."

He followed her upstairs, narrowly avoiding Nandor's still very confused gaze. His blush seemed to be neverending. It enthralled Nandor deeply. As did the ghost of the soft, warm lips on his skin that he hadn't even had the time to fully enjoy. He half raised his hand to touch the slight inch of skin Guillermo had grazed, but decided against it, fearing his cold fingers would chase the residual warmth away.

"By the way, Nandor. Just between you and me." Laszlo suddenly announced from right next to him, scaring Nandor out of his dazed state. He elbowed him genially in the ribs as he continued, "It's really nice, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"You know, when you do it with a human," Laszlo explained, elbowing him friendly in the ribs. "The warm bodies are something else entirely, no? Nadja and I have invited many mortals to our marital bed over the years and it was absolutely _amazing_. Nice meal afterward, too. Once we even tried to recreate the body warmth by sitting over a bunch of candles, but it just wasn't the sa–"

"How dare you speak to me like this!" Nandor boomed over him, his face twisted in absolute outrage. The nerve on this guy!

"Oh, my, my, my," Laszlo said, a horrible, nasty smirk on his lips. "Nandor the Relentless, shy about sex talk all of a sudden? Who would have thought after that nasty chandelier thing you do at every other orgy. You really care about that little nerdy sack of virgin blood, don't you?"

"Well, that blood's definitely not virginal anymore," Colin Robinson said, seemingly appearing out of thin air. "Not after Nandor's been done with it. If there was even a slight virginal scent clinging to Guillermo at this point, one might assume that they're faking the whole thing."

Laszlo bursted out laughing at that, while Nandor hissed at Colin's words. Fucking guy, he really didn't let them catch a break. First the kissy thing, no matter how nice it turned out to be, and now this! What was he supposed to do now? Have sex with Guillermo just to throw them off his scent? He'd barely been able to handle a tiny little kiss from him, but to have that entire warm body pressed against him, all warm and _nice_ , as Laszlo had put it, and with his scent absolutely surrounding him ...

"Oh, Colin Robinson, I have to admit. You really do crack me up sometimes," Laszlo said, pulling Nandor from the dangerously exceeding allure of his own thoughts. What was he even doing, laughing along with Colin Robinson of all people? He was so careless about it, too, as if he didn't even notice that Nandor was having an absolute crisis right beside him – which, honestly, was probably for the best. Good grief, he really had to get out of there.

"I have to leave," Nandor muttered as he pushed past them to the hallway, turning into a mist in midstep and only materializing when he made his way outside. He needed a drink. From a drunk person preferably. Just enought to forget that apparently he liked it when Guillermo touched him and kissed him and that apparently a mere thought of them having sex made him ...

Yeah. He really needed that drink.

***

”Oh, yeah. I know those two aren’t together for real,” Colin Robinson told the camera crew later in the evening. “Guillermo is almost definitely killing vampires left and right and Nandor is trying to help him cover it up. How do I know that, that’s what you might be wondering. Well, as an energy vampire, I feel every life force, if you will, that comes and goes through the house. Lately, a lot of vampires have been coming and hardly anyone left. Then there is also Guillermo’s high strung anxiety and his very pressing secrecy. When I put two and two together, I’ve even walked in on him killing the vampire intruders a couple of times, just to sort of mess with him a little. And drain him, of course.”

“If you know what’s going on, why haven’t you said anything about it?” someone from the documentary crew asked. Colin shrugged.

”I like Guillermo. He’s the only one I can talk to during the day around here. And I definitely like people pretending to be in a relationship. So much draining tension, I consider myself a bit of a romantic like that,” he chuckled. “Have you caught Nandor almost spontaneously combusting when I made them kiss? That was the highlight of my week. And besides, this sort of trope is especially delicious to witness when both parties are trying to hide that they’re secretly ... wait for it ... in love with each other. There! I said it. Ooh, Nandor would be so furious if he heard me just now! He’s definitely not even admitted this to himself, so this is a special treat for me. Yes, I think I will be milking this cow until it finally squares up and resolves its feelings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession: I was gonna have Nandor say the word preposterous in this chapter, but I refuse to believe that he knows what this word means. So I completely rewrote an entire part of the chapter to avoid it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the next chapter is here!! Sorry it took so long y'all, I'm barely catching a break with my studying lol and also this isn't edited at all because I kind of stopped caring halfway through and just wanted to post asap xD no proof-reading, we die like men 😤
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!
> 
> Also, holy crap!!!! The positive response I've gotten for this fic is absolutely amazing!! Y'all are so sweet, thank you all again for the lovely comments, each and every one of them made me smile like a dumbass 😁😁

Guillermo was losing his fucking mind.

He had just kissed Nandor. Kissed him! He couldn't believe himself. That had to have been the worst impulse decision he'd ever made. Of course, it had seemed like the best idea at the time, because he was willing to do just about anything before the other vampires became suspicious of Nandor's intense refusal to kiss him. It had stung a little, sure, but he tried not to think about it – or about the strange look that Nandor had given him after the kiss. He could swear, Nandor had almost looked like ... no. No, definitely not. He wasn't even going to think about it like that. Nandor's face had always been unreadable to him, and he wasn't going to start misinterpreting his strange expressions now. Especially not when they were supposed to be acting like a happy couple. It had a special sort of heartbreak written all over it, and Guillermo was not in the mood for it. Even if he had been seeing traces of an almost tender and fond gaze in Nandor's eyes for the past few days, and if Nandor's lips had reacted ever so slightly to his, chasing after Guillermo's when he was already moving away. 

He shook his head slightly to get rid of these thoughts, scoffing under his breath. God, they hadn't even been doing this for 24 hours and he was already seeing things. He should have known better by now. No matter how much he'd been looking for sweet signs of affection from Nandor, he'd always ended up hanging onto false hopes and tricks of light. It was beyond hopeless, and this new situation of pretending to be in a relationship did nothing to help it. He only imagined how Nandor must have felt, forced to feign actual attraction to him. It had to be beyond uncomfortable – Nandor already had a hard time conveying his actual feelings most of the time, so pretending to carry a truly deep affection for his familiar in his heart must have been taking him some true effort not to just walk into the sunlight to escape it.

"Ouch, Guillermo," Nadja hissed in front of him. "Stop pulling on my hair like it's a horse's mane!"

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"Nandor might be into that sort of thing, but I'm definitely not," Nadja commented further and the image of that was enough to make Guillermo's brain stall and pull his fingers from out of her hair, letting the neat and shapely hairstyle fall apart and fall into Nadja's frowning face. "Now look what you've done!"

"Sorry, sorry," he repeated as he stumbled to gather her hair up again. "I lost my grip for a second."

"Don't do it again."

"Okay."

"I'm serious."

"Okay."

She was still frowning, but let Guillermo continue doing his work in silence. Guillermo was thankful, at least. He really enjoyed doing Nadja's hair on the odd days when she couldn't have been bothered to do it herself, and he enjoyed it even more when she kept her very unconstructive criticism to the minimum. On this particular night, she seemed lost in her own mind, pensively staring into the mirror in front of her where her reflection was supposed to me.

"I like you, Guillermo," she said finally, just as Guillermo was finishing up. "You are not a bad familiar."

"Oh," Guillermo said, his face a clear surprise. "Thank you?"

"Well-mannered, too," Nadja decided, nodding thoughtfully as her eyes narrowly measured him up in his reflection. "And you do make nice hairdos. Laszlo always gives me much more compliments when you do my hair than when I do it myself."

"That's nice."

"I suppose I could see myself living with you."

Guillermo frowned.

"You ... are living with me," he reminded her. "I've lived in this house for eleven years."

"Yes, yes, but that's all familiar business," Najda said. She turned around in her chair to look at him. "I mean, I wouldn't mind if Nandor decides to take you as his eternal husband."

Guillermo sputtered at this.

"Oh. Well, um ..." He trailed off, not even knowing what to say. "I ... don't really think it will happen."

"Why not? Do you not care for Nandor?" she burst out immediately, standing up to tower over him. Her eyes glared red as she stabbed an accusatory finger into his shoulder. "I will kill you at once if you are only messing with his stupid donkey feelings! He might not look it, but Nandor is very emotionally constipated and I will be damned before I let a fragile little sack of human goo take advantage of him!"

Guillermo barely kept his face in check at her outburst, pursing his lips to suppress a smile. He'd always known that the three vampires had to like each other to some degree to stay together after all these centuries of endless bickering. Of course, Nadja and Laszlo loved each other to the ends of the Earth and back, and Laszlo and Nandor seemed to have the strange friendship with occasional benefits sort of thing going. Only right at this moment, however, he finally understood Nadja's relationship with Nandor better than ever before in his eleven years at the house. The way she was prepared to fight to the death for his happiness, even though he annoyed her to no end, reminded him dearly of his own older sister who had always come to his aid whenever he'd been in trouble.

"No, no, I love him very much," he reassured her immediately and only hated himself a little for how earnest he sounded. Then again, Nadja would probably see right through him if he hadn't been completely honest. "I just don't think that ... Nandor wants that kind of a commitment."

"Oh. Okay," Nadja said, her face softening into a slight frown. "Don't worry about that, though. Nandor cares plentily about you, he's just reluctant to show it. The last time you left, to be with your new girlfriend Selene or whatever, he was so sad about it that Laszlo and I wrote an entire song about how little he cared for our renewed musical collaboration. Do you want to hear it?"

She already sucked the air into her diaphragm and opened her mouth, but Guillermo, heart leaping in his chest, stopped her immediately.

"No! No need. Um, I'm sure it's lovely," he said with an awkward smile, so she wouldn't take immediate offense. "But I thought you and Laszlo were about to go out? I don't think you should keep him from seeing how nice you look."

Nadja smiled proudly at the compliment and, chin raised high, she turned back to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror – a force of habit, Guillermo assumed as he watched her face fall slightly at the lack of her reflection. He wondered if he could ever get used to it himself, staring into an emptiness where his face was supposed to be.

"Yes, I'm not going to waste my attire on an empty room. Nor my voice on such a small audience," she said, heading towards the exit with Guillermo slowly treading behind her. "My point is, Nandor is a big soft racoon baby underneath that macho persona. You know that, though, don't you? I'm sure he is a very gentle lover."

"Uh ..."

"I mean, Laszlo has told me he's even too gentle sometimes, which is why he doesn't have sex with him all that often," Nadja continued on, perfectly ignorant of Guillermo's beet-red face. "But I'm sure that is just about perfect for a weakling like you. I don't see any bruises on you, and nothing looks broken yet, so at least he's playing nice. It is purely because he cares so much, just so you know. So don't forget about me when someone will need to start planning the matrimonial celebration."

"Of course," Guillermo said with a tight smile. If Nadja noticed how strained his voice was, or how faint he looked during her rambling, she certainly did not let it show.

"You know, you look like you would become really smart when you turn into a vampire," she said, turning back to him with a wicked little smile exposing her teeth. "It would be nice to have someone clever to talk to once your stupid little human brain improves."

And that, Guillermo decided, was something he was too smart to dignify with an answer.

***

The two braids Guillermo had pulled to the back of Nadja's head and twisted into a neat bun above her endless black curls seemed to have been a hit, judging by the way Laszlo swooped her off the ground the second they came back down the stairs. Or, well, maybe Laszlo was just that horny. Guillermo thought it kind of sweet as they floated around, giggling and kissing, before finally turning into bats and flying off into the night for their erotic date under the stars. It definitely was a miraculous sort of love they shared, if it stood the test of eternity.

"Perverted little shits, aren't they?" Colin Robinson's voice resounded from behind him, making Guillermo jump. Turning to look at him, he found the energy vampire grinning. Guillermo frowned uneasily; he really did not like that expression on Colin's face.

"Yeah, I suppose so," Guillermo said with a shrug. "But they are kind of sweet. In their own way."

"Of course!" Colin laughed. "Now that you're practically married off yourself, you're gonna look through everything with rose-colored glasses. It's a bit cliché for my personal taste, but who am I to spoil this honeymoon phase of yours. In fact, you and Nandor jumping each other's bones have prompted me to look for some romance myself. Well, you and Jim the colleague who mentioned a speed dating event happening downtown. I can’t wait to chat up some desperate divorcées."

"Oh, okay." Guillermo tried to keep his face neutral, trying not to give away the relief of having no one at the house. The sun had barely gone down and he already needed a breather from the persistent badgering he'd ben getting from all sides. He watched Colin put on his coat gingerly, clearing his throat annoyingly a few times just for good measure. In fact, it seemed like he was testing out his coughs, for he eyed Guillermo carefully to see which one invoked the worst reaction.

"By the way, do you know where, uh, Nandor is?" Goodness, it felt strange even uttering his name – not one vowel tasted right on his tongue as if even the name itself was somehow an obvious lie. He hoped Colin hadn't seen him cringe at it, and hoped even more that Colin's fixed grin was merely due to the excitement of draining some poor lonely ladies.

"Ah, can't stand a minute without him, I see," Colin teased him. "He went out. He seemed in a bit of a rush, kind of like a famished madman. If I were to guess, I'd say that he needs a bit more blood now that he's fondling you all the time. I distinctly remember him telling me once a few years ago that your blood smells almost too delicious for him to handle. I guess you literally overwhelm all of his senses."

The strained choking sound that left Guillermo‘s mouth made Colin laugh with a barely concealed maleficient satisfaction.

"Aw, no need to be embarrassed," he said. "It's totally natural that your vampire lover is sort of high-strung around you the first few weeks, just until he gets used to smelling your blood so up close."

"Mhm, yeah," Guillermo nodded furiously, hoping that either the ground would swallow him whole or Colin Robinson would stop talking. But the bastard seemed nowhere near finished, as his grin widened at his barely hidden unease.

"But all in all, looks like you're home alone for the evening," Colin continued. "I'd take you with me to the speed dating night, but you know. You're obviously taken care of in the dating department."

"Uh, yeah," Guillermo said with a tight smile. "I really am. Besides, speed dating wouldn't be my thing either way."

"No, no, of course not," Colin said. "You're in it for the long game, huh? Ten years of pining before admitting your feelings."

"I guess," Guillermo shrugged, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible while praying for this conversation to finally be over. How had Nandor been able to keep a straight face during these conversations was beyond him.

"It was part of why I enjoyed spending so much time with you rascals," Colin Robinson said, putting on his hat and fixing it in the mirror. "There is no greater energy-draining spectacle than two people hiding their feelings from each other. I could always feel that tension absolutely buzzing through the air whenever you and Nandor stood a little too close."

"You could ..." Guillermo gaped for a second, at a loss of words as panic started bubbling up in his gut. With a tiny voice, he continued, "You could feel that?"

"Still do, sometimes," Colin Robinson shrugged calmly. "Even now that you've been together for what, at least two weeks in secret? It's kind of spooky, to be honest. Almost like a phantom limb. Because I still feel it, even though it _obviously_ isn't there anymore, since the two of you have very _obviously_ boinked it out, as the kids say, several times in the past weeks. Haven't you?"

"Oh, um, yes. Yes, we did. Boink. Several times," God, what was he even talking about? If he couldn't even begin to believe his own lies, then how the hell could Colin, who must have literally felt the sickly nerves turning his insides to mush. 

"Well, I'm sure the reason for it could also be Nandor who is, as you may know by now, a bit awkward with feelings," Colin continued with a chuckle. "I mean, have you seen his face after you kissed him in front of us? Phew! If vampires could blush, am I right?"

"Right," Guillermo let out a shaky breath through a fake smile and hoped it could be interpreted as an accompanying laugh. "I guess we are still kind of figuring this relationship stuff out."

"Yeah. Pro–ba–ly," Colin Robinson dragged out provokingly as he finally set out. Guillermo could swear he could see his eyes glow as he grinned one last time in farewell before closing the door behind him. Making a mental note to be more careful around him, he finally slumped against the wall with a sigh. It was only the first evening of this charade and he was already exhausted from all the lying.

(Although, he was pretty sure that Colin had drained the hell of him just then, so maybe part of his exhaustion came from that.)

At the very least, the newfound loneliness at the house offered him a safe haven for the moment. For at least a few hours, he could finally catch a break, both from the very dangerously appealing intimacy he had to share with Nandor and from his ever-so nosy roommates. He could pretend, for a few moments, that everything was back to normal. That he hadn't killed a single vampire, that he was a familiar to a mighty vampire whom he definitely hadn't just kissed.

Except he had, his mind maliciously supplied. He’d definitely kissed Nandor.

His mind was spiraling and he groaned at the memory of it. Nandor's decisive refusal to kiss him and then his perplexed reaction to being kissed by Guillermo. He was certain those few moments were going to haunt every waking moment of his life. Groaning, he made his way to the kitchen to make himself some tea. Maybe that would calm his nerves a bit. And maybe the scorching hot tea would make him forget the cold skin his lips had so briefly touched.

The stove was old and rusting away, no matter Guillermo's previous attempts to stop it from doing so. It still kind of worked against all odds, though, so he couldn't really complain too much. He poured some water into a kettle and slowly brought it to a boil, trying to keep his mind empty of everything that had happened throughout the night. It was all just so bizarre. Kissing Nandor, Nadja talking him like an actual equal for once, Laszlo being just a tad too stupid to piece the truth together, Colin Robinson _clearly_ getting an enormous kick out of the whole situation ...

The kettle screeched, anouncing its job well done. Guillermo sighed and shook his head as he poured the water in his awaiting cup. For the first time since he had arrived into this house, since he’d learned about his ancestry, he finally felt like he was in over his head. Waiting on a vampire like a slave? Easy. Killing vampires to protect his housemates after learning such an activity was quite literally in his blood? Piece of cake. Pretending he was in a relationship with Nandor after secretly loving him for god knows how long? Too fucking much.

His hands shook slightly from the stress of the whole situation as he carried his tea over to the fancy room. How long could they keep this charade up, realistically? Surely, the truth would come up sooner or later. Shouldn’t be more than a week before Nadja and Laszlo realized he still smelled like a virgin, or until one of them inevitably walked in on him killing off another vampire assassin. Or until Nandor couldn’t be bothered with the charade anymore and just stopped pretending. Or until Guillermo spontaneously combusted from the whole affair – which, in retrospect, seemed like the option that would come before all the others.

A sudden crash, followed by a foreign curse word, snapped him from his thoughts. He instinctively grabbed for the stake taped underneath the sofa and jumped to his feet, stalking over to the entrance.

”Guillermo!”

He lowered the stake with a sigh. Nandor. He showed himself from the partially open door, finding his master trying to pick himself up on wobbly legs, as the drawer by the entrance gracelessly remained knocked over with all its contents scattered across the floor.

”Fucking drawer,” Nandor mumbled bitterly as he stood upright again. Guillermo didn’t miss the way he swayed on his feet. “When did it get here?”

”It’s been here forever,” Guillermo said, unsure if Nandor was even listening to him. The vampire seemed more focused on the fallen drawer. “I’ll tidy up. Are you okay?”

”Of course I’m okay, Guillermo. I’m a vampire,” Nandor snorted as if he was saying the most obvious thing in the world. He turned around to close the door behind him, almost catching his cape in it. Barely stumbling away from it, he grinned at Guillermo. “I’ve drank some drunk people. Drunken people. I’ve drunken some drank people.”

“I see,” Guillermo said, barely keeping in a grin. He couldn’t really help it, tipsy Nandor was the most amusing Nandor. He watched the vampire stumble past him slightly and followed him into the fancy room where Nandor plopped himself down on the sofa.

“You should try drunk people some time, Guillermo. They’re nice.”

“I’m sure.”

Noticing the tea cup on the table near him, Nandor leaned over and smelled it, then promptly made a face.

“Smells like grass,” he declared.

“It’s green tea.”

“And what color is grass made of, hm?” Nandor looked at him triumfantly, like he won an important argument. Guillermo allowed himself a quiet chuckle, almost forgeting that he had been a nervous wreck for the first half of the evening.

Feeling a little bold, Guillermo grabbed his tea and as down next to Nandor. What the hell. They had just shared one of the most meaningful kisses of Guillermo’s life. He deserved some actual intimacy that should have come with it.

Nandor’s eyes followed his every movement, but nothing indicated any sort of oposition to it. In fact, he seemed truly at peace for the first time this night.

”So,” Guillermo said after a few beats of silence. “Do you want to tell me why you wentout and got yourself drunk enough to forget about a drawer by the door?”

Nandor pursed his lips.

”Not really,” he said. Then, he paused, his shoulders dropping with a sigh. “I think Laszlo got to me.”

”Laszlo?”

”He was being obscene about our relationship. That doesn’t exist,” Nandor explained. “I didn’t like it.”

Guillermo nodded. He could only imagine what Laszlo had to say, and just how opposed Nandor might have been to whatever dirty idea he had. He tried not to let it sting too much.

”Nadja and Colin got to me, too,” he admitted. “Side note, I think Colin is onto us.”

”Fucking guy,” Nandor groaned, letting his head drop back. “He said that you still smell like a virgin. If Laszlo was a bit more smarter, he would put two and one together.”

”Two and two together.”

”I said that.”

”Sure.”

Suddenly, Nandor was on his legs again, pacing the room in a funny sway.

“You know what I hate the most about this, Guillermo? Do you know what I hate the most?" Guillermo waited patiently for the answer to the rhetoric question, knowing better than to cut Nandor off while he was on another one of his drunken rants. The vampire left out an exasperated huff like he was in actual pain as he vaguely motioned at Guillermo, stopped, and fell back onto the sofa like a exhausted 18th century housewife. "That this ... that you," – Guillermo braced himself for the newest insult that was already forming on Nandor's lips. Too ugly? Stupid? Child-like? He'd heard it all over the years – "you look so _cute_."

Guillermo did a double-take.

"I'm sorry?"

"Cute, Guillermo!" Nandor yelled suddenly, waving his hands in the air. "You are cute. A cute Guillermo. And you kissed me. Which was bad. So very bad."

"Oh. Noted," Guillermo said, sucking in a breath. Lovely build-up, disappointingly hurtful ending. He didn’t know why he still got hopeful whenever Nandor tried to give him a compliment.

"No! No, no, Guillermo," he said, eyes wide as he sat up straighter. "I didn't say you kissing me was bad. I meant that the kiss itself was bad."

Guillermo stared at him for a second, a puzzled frown on his face as he tried to understand whether Nandor had meant to make that sound better than his previous remark.

”I mean,” Nandor tried again, apparently noticing he was fucking it all up and backpedalling. “It wasn’t the best. Acting wise. I don’t know how they bought it. I wanted it to be the best kiss ever if we ever had to kiss. Acting wise. You get it.”

”Uh, sure,” Guillermo said, humoring him as he tried to wrap his head around what the fuck Nandor was trying to say. “So, the next time, we should be more convincing?”

”Yes! Yes, exactly!” Nandor nodded furiously. “And you mustn’t be so cute. I forbid it.”

”Okay,” Guillermo laughed. “I’ll try.”

They sat in silence for a while, Nandor either lost in thought or blissfully thoughtless besides Guillermo as Guillermo sipped his tea. It was nice. Guillermo secretly enjoyed moments like that, when Nandor seemed unbothered by his presence.

Nandor turned toward Guillermo, scooting himself slightly closer. 

“I’m not a bad kisser, Guillermo,” he said, quietly, like it was a secret. “So if you got that from our kiss, just know you are wrong.”

”Don’t worry, master,” Guillermo said, smiling politely as to not hurt his pride. “It was just a peck. That might have caught you by surprise. I don’t think anything of it.”

”Well, good,” Nandor said, unnecessarily clearing his throat. “Because, you know, if you didn’t believe me. I’d have to prove it to you.”

“Prove it?” Guillermo asked, flushing at the implication as well as at the sudden realization just how close they were.

”Well, obviously. I wouldn’t want anyone spreading rumors I can’t even kiss my cute fake familiar lover properly,” Nandor huffed. _Really leaning into the cute thing, huh?_ Guillermo thought to himself. Either he was too drunk to realize it or just too stupid to think about how it sounded.

Suddenly, there was a finger on his mouth.

”Uh, Nand-“

”So warm,” Nandor said, ignorant to Guillermo’s puzzled voice. “I’ve never actually kissed a human before, you know? Don’t tell anyone I told you that. Laszlo thinks I’ve fucked almost every familiar I ever had.”

Guillermo remained quiet as the finger traced his lips, then continuing its path up his cheek until his large palm was cupping his face.

“Is anyone else home?” Nandor asked quietly. There was a strange husk in his voice that Guillermo had never heard before. He didn’t allow himself to focus on it too much, and rather focused on the question.

“No, they all went out,” he answered, breathless at the impossible proximity of their faces. His mind went back idly to a past conversation they had had a while ago, when Nandor admitted to hearing his heartbeat at all times. By the way it was hammering inside of his chest just now, Guillermo assumed Nandor could hear it as clearly as a loud stereo. He tried to not be nervous, though, and rather enjoy the moment while it lasted. Surely, Nandor would move away as soon as his mind registered that there was no one home to put a show for.

However, Nandor seemed to only be getting closer.

“Good,” Nandor all but growled. “I don’t want anyone here for this.”

“Really? I thought you wanted to keep up the charade for them specifically.”

Nandor froze.  Guillermo cursed his loud stupid mouth.

The hand and the cold, blood-stained breath disappeared. Nandor wasn’t next to him anymore, but rather rematerialized on the other side of the room, back knocking into a book-shelf behind him.

“Yes. You’re right,” he said with wide eyes. He tried to stand up as straight as possible, raised his chin and composed his features. It looked like Guillermo’s words almost sobered him up. “No kissing when we’re alone, Guillermo. Good catch. Wouldn’t want to think this was real. It’s just pretend. I’m going to ... my crypt. No, somewhere. You don’t know where. Don’t bother me.”

With that, he turned into a bat and promptly flew out of the fancy room and up the stairs – albeit not without flying into a few things on the way –, leaving a dumbfounded Guillermo behind.  


What _the hell_ was that?

Guillermo sat back, exhaling deeply. It looked like Nandor had wanted to kiss him. Actually kiss him. But that couldn’t have happened. Nandor definitely didn’t think of Guillermo that way.

Didn’t he?

There was only one thing Guillermo was perfectly certain of.

He was losing his fucking mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! I hope you liked it, and I'll try to update this as soon as possible ^.^


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